How to Attract Your Ideal Mate: An Exercise in Self Discovery

After meeting my fiancee and falling deeply in love, I’ve spent a lot of time over these five years thinking about what makes us go together so well.

Especially given how much we’ve both changed in that time.

It feels to me like we’re more in love now than ever, even though we’re now two totally different people to who we were. We’ve each been a huge influence on each other, and somehow grown with each other. Complementary. And we’re definitely in a better place in our lives now than we were.

Did we get lucky?


Very lucky.

But then, I don’t really believe in luck. I believe you create your own luck.

So how can you be “lucky in love?”

Before I met Emma, I had done a little exercise which I’ll show you how to do in this article.

The weird thing was, that she had done it too…

People started asking

A reader wrote to me a few months ago wanting my thoughts about her situation. And our special love exercise was the perfect solution for her.

Here’s my edited email to her (no names or personal stuff, just the goods):


Thanks for writing. It takes courage to open up to others about very personal things, so I commend you for that. It helps to have people around you that you can rely on for support. Do you have friends and family members who will support you no matter what? Open up to them and let them know what you are going through.

It sounds like your relationship with this guy is making you question yourself, and your self esteem. And that is not good. Let me ask you a question:

Have you ever known someone who kept getting themselves in the same type of situations, the same problems, and no matter how obvious it was to you what they had to do to change their life around for the better, they just couldn’t see it? You can tell them their problem right to their face, and they still wouldn’t see it. Then one day, they come to you and say that they finally figured it out. After all that time, and even after you had told them – they had to figure it out for themselves, in their own time.

The point is, that it is easy to spot patterns in others, and almost impossible to see them in ourselves. And until you are ready you are going to experience these same problems in your life. Maybe you find another guy, and experience the same thing all over again. Actively looking for answers though, and trying to figure out what you can do about it is a great first step.

It tells me that you are ready to start to change. But you have to take responsibility for your transformation, and decide if it’s really what you want. Because it’s going to be hard work.

There is something that you are doing unconsciously that is causing you to attract, and be attracted to, men like this guy. For a man to admit to being afraid of committing is a warning sign. It is code for: “I’ll be with you until someone I like better comes along.”

You are better than that, and deserve a whole lot more. Ditch him, you don’t need that kind of abuse.

Next, begin work on yourself.

Here is your homework:

How to attract your ideal mate

Suspend your critical thinking for a while, and do this exercise. Write down all the qualities that your dream-man has. Is he successful? Intelligent? Handsome? What does he do for a living? What are his interests? Everything you can think of, write down. Who is this pretend person? I want you to write out a long list that describes who this man is.

No, I’m not trying to magic a man out of thin air for you. This is much more powerful than that.

Next, you are going to look over the list a few times, and get really familiar with it. Daydream about it for a few minutes and see this man in your mind. It might sound really weird at this stage, but trust me, this works! Put the list under your pillow that night and think about this man as you fall asleep. What you are doing is saturating your mind with the imagery of who this person is. It will all make sense soon.

Then, the next day, you are going to think about what kind of a woman this man deserves. What kind of a woman would he be with? She’s going to have to be very special. You are then going to write down all the qualities that she has that would attract the man. Forget all the superficial attributes like looks etc. Just focus on the important things. What does she enjoy doing? How does she like to have fun? What does she contribute to the world?

Really think about this woman. Write it all down. I bet she’s a really good person.

Now, that evening, place the two pieces of paper under your pillow, and as you fall asleep, imagine they meet. They meet and fall in love, and see how happy they are. They are literally made for each other. No dramas, no conflicts, a perfect compatibility. It’s lovely. Make sure you really feel those beautiful loving emotions that these two have for each other.

Because that is the kind of relationship you deserve. No relationship is going to be perfect like the dream couple, but you CAN have a relationship that’s pretty damn loving, fun, and mutually respectful!

Now, here’s the important step. Look at that woman. She is the man’s ideal mate… And that woman is you.

She is how you see your idealized self. Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with you as you are right now – no. But there are some self-esteem issues. The way you want to be has healthy self esteem. You have lost a little confidence. Who you really are has perfect confidence. Who you really are is powerful, attractive, and loving.

Your real self, your “higher self,” has nothing holding her back. So what do you have to do to become that woman? What do you have to do to adopt the traits that she has? How are you going to transform yourself into your real self?

The other important thing to note is this: This is not for some man’s benefit. This is for your benefit. Your duty in life is to be the best you can be, and reading your email, I believe you can do that. You can, and you will, if you have faith and persistence.

I did this. And I completely transformed who I was. I shed my insecurities, the BS, the fears. And became the man I wanted to be. I attracted the perfect woman by finding out who I was, and becoming that person. That real self.

It won’t be easy to go through the initial changes. But it will get easier. You will feel better. And better. Until you will be your confident and  powerful self, who wouldn’t dream of being with a guy who doesn’t respect her for who she is.

This is not about the men. It is about you. So, take some time just for you. And find out who you really are.

Please let me know how it goes. Or if you need any help.

To your bliss and success,


End message.

Are you in love right now? Looking? Have you ever tried an exercise like this before? Leave a comment below and let me know.